Last year around this time, my life slowly started to dwindle and gradually get out of my grasp. Aspects varying from my health, sanity, school,friendships, love life, and even at home life. I was so fixated in having the perfect life, doing all the right things because I thought I had to. I put my energy into this lifestyle I thought rewarded me back. Giving my gratitude and space to those who I thought had my best interest. I was emotionally drained, I distrubted my all into this ideal life that didn’t seem to complete me in return. What was that missing link?
The only time I had to myself was when I was worked out after classes. I would transfer the build up into efforts towards the machines. Another time of freedom I had would be smoking, by relaxing and letting my mind release. I would use this time to be at ease, free my spirit and let my words flow on paper. I couldn’t go a day without doing either of these activities. I would play my music and finally get a chance to clear my mind and focus on what has been happening. The two things I would put effort in to for myself, rewarded me. I was losing weight, clearing my mind and looking better. I found a freedom in writing again not only for my enjoyment but for my sanity. No one could take this set time from me, people in my life tried to make me feel guilty for not devoting this time to them and it worked.
I would never let anyone see struggle, see me weak or in pain. A front always put up to display a happy person within her perfect life. How can anyone know they are hurting you if you don’t let them know, how can anyone help if you don’t let them in?
I would roll my eyes at all the countless people who would complain about their problems. They would ramble on about their self diagnosis of depression, like it was the flu. I thought to myself how embarrassing, they are highlighting all the wrongs in their life and trying to get attention through empathy. I never knew expressed the dilemmas in my life, I didn’t want to be perceived as weak or even judged. I never knew what it was like to be in a dark hole, a state of emptiness. A place with no passion or drive, you lose your reasons to be alive.
When all your reasons for living your day or your life slips away from you, what do you have? When your future crumbles with the towers of your loved ones, what do you have?
At the end of the day, your happiness and fortune relies on yourself.
Who wants to love someone who doesn’t love themselves? I was living to be everyones missing piece, their perfect person to make their life whole and complete.
I would imagine this perfect role and portray feelings of being alive and in love. I was sending off the wrong signals, who would be there to pick me up when I was at my low?
I was living my life depressed and didn’t know it until I got out of the slump. My smile lessened, my glow faded, my expressions weak, my thoughts abandoned and my passion for life drained. I was lost, I had no idea who I even was. I was absent in my own story, emotionless and wandering through. I continue to fall in the deepening whole created by my own actions and thoughts.
I turned to the two influential men in my life, my dad and God. The two with all the answers, all the strength, all the wisdom and love to cure all. I knew they wouldn’t judge me, wouldn’t scowl me only guide. I have never opened up to my father nor have I let him see my vulnerable, so this felt like confession and I was ready to pour it all out. This would be the hardest thing to do in my life, sharing all my errors and faults, when I made him think I was doing just fine. I was always trying to save people, change them when they needed me and control this perfect story line. I was so fixated in creating the perfect world and caught up in a unrealistic image that controlled me. Exhausted, I sat broken with my pieces out on the table, looking for answers and ready to listen.
He gave me the best advice, You have to be the best for yourself and the best things will attract to you. Focus on yourself, know yourself so you can know what you want or who you want to be. You cant change and fix everyone, they have to want to change for themselves. He never outlined my wrongs, he just told me why they were negatively impacting me and how I could benefit from them. He told me to be selfish, to do what I want, what makes me happy and what I feel in my gut. ” Insanity, is to continue to do the same thing and expect different results.” He told me to swallow my pride, take a loss and grow from it. If something is meant to be in your life, it will come back when not only you are ready but when its supposed to. Turn to God, find your strength, find your reason, find your love and find yourself.
Being Irish and German, I find myself to be a little stubborn and headstrong. It is extremely hard for me to take advice or criticism well. Like I said, I’ve been stuck in this perfect image…but I needed out. I took the advice to heart, ran with it in every part of my life. It has changed me for the better and I am so appreciative for my dark hole.
The two most influential moments in my life have been led by and dealt with my father and God. The first was losing my self in a perfect world I constructed in my mind and by my force. I became vulnerable, and turned to my father for advice and strength. He guided me back to God, to find hope and appreciation for my life through faith.
The second moment was a weekend in November, my family and I went to the Notre Dame Basilica, the priest message channeled me. I focused in on only him and the lit candles around his face. Shivers ran down, centered my spine, straightened my structure and concentrated my eyes. Every distraction blurred, the priest spoke with an angelic head light and God words of wisdoms registered.
His passage was of a story of him doing volunteer work with children in another country, how all of these children struggle but still have dreams and faith. No matter the circumstance they still have aspirations, despite the reality. He was determined his place was to help others and inspire. His message was implanted in my membrane, the candles warmed up brain to my destiny.
I am motivated to close the gap between others reality and aspirations. I hope to inspire people by my writing, my mishaps or even my strengths. I hope to encourage those who are going down similar paths, I hope to better someones day or even life by my embrace and presence.
Every crossroad leads us to the next chosen path, a time to pause and analyze where you stand and where you should be going. A time where you reevaluate what aspects have brought you that point . Reminisce on the decisions or errors which caused the path. You start to approach situations, experiences and people as a lesson or opportunity. Now every obstacle is a checking point or even a collection point, only gains, no loses. You realize your strengths and weaknesses, outline your morals and values. You get an understanding of your self spiritually, emotionally and physically on your chosen journey. You’re aware of your soul, reasons and difference. You proceed with inner direction and pursue those who radiate with your energy. Anew, a replenished spirit, wholesome and at ease with life’s flow.
God takes us through troubled waters not to drown us but to cleanse us.
I have found my goal in life is inspire the curious, reach out to those in question, pin point passions, direct those who are lost, stimulate minds by my speaking, move feelings through my writing, understand and empathize with others. Encourage wellness opportunities-healthiness, wholeness, finesse, richness or liveliness of ones self worth.
Today is my father’s birthday, The BIG 5-0! A trademark in time and a new journey. I dedicate this blog to him and for all that he has done for me. I hope he is as half as touched by this as I am for all that he has done for me. He has forever changed my outlook and my outcome.
Remember the weight on your shoulders, can always be lifted. No matter how strong you are, you shouldn’t try to handle things on your own-when other people love you and are waiting to help. As soon as the weight is lifted, your limitless, you have your wings and can now fly.