Deep Drives

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Life is not only a journey but a drive, such a drive where you take each lane, road, construction, detour or traffic as they approach…
Sure there’s a goal destination but it is always comforting to know the route and to have stops along the way. Sometimes we get so caught up in the final arrival we lose track of the ride and scenery along the way. There are times where you coast, enjoy the view on a cruise, accelerate yourself to the top or you fly so fast down hill you don’t realize your own speed.

This past week I participated in my first day of RAGBRAI. For those who don’t know, RAGBRAI is an acronym for…The Register’s Annual Great Bicycle Ride Across Iowa. It is an annual seven-day bicycle ride across the state of Iowa. RAGBRAI is one of the oldest, largest and longest recreational bicycle touring event in the world. There are towns, communities, businesses and sponsors along the way to not only encourage you and provide for you but also take care of you.

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I was so nervous to par take in this ride because it was my first year, I wasn’t in “bike shape” and I was intimidated by the experienced masses. I got over my fear and proceeded into the crowd with my best friend by my side. I felt like a child going to camp for the first time, anxious and excited. Once you got the first cycle in, you were comfortable and proceeded the path.
It was one of the most challenging and yet uplifting adventures I have endured. I learned so much about the tour, flow of traffic, rush of the vehicles and a took a deeper meaning from the ride.

On my ride, the environment for majority of the day was bikers, open corn fields, family owned farm land, assortments of nature and the road ahead of your bike. You are constantly surrounded by all different people, which all share the same journey as you. Some come for different reasons, traditions, groups, uniforms, celebrations, music, agenda etc. The beauty of it all is, at the end of the day you all arrive to the same destination and all need to work together for a smooth finish.

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You engage with your fellow riders, you signal your move only if it affects them, you speak closely to the one next to you, you assist those on the side of the road, you encourage those at a slower pace and you come in contact with so many groups.
You see those struggling, smiling and pedaling through the same road and it motivates you to do the same. There is no age, size, race, sex or quantity limit … If your desire is to ride, nothing is in your way.

This day was so special to me because everyone came together as one. You approached every person and path with ease. You found joy in the open road and local services. You are not judged for your chosen pit stops or your pace. It is a journey driven by your own given energy and support by those surrounding you.

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On the van are the words “Hope” “Faith” & “Love”

This to me is the simplistic form of life. A glimpse of what your life could be if we all practiced the same equal peace, love and joy with our surrounding participants. The route in RAGBRAI is like our drive in the journey of self discovery and nirvana. All of these people devoting their mind, body and soul to the self-driven adventure. You experience new people and places for different quantities of time.

Every encounter is always seen as fresh and beneficial. You cherish the scenic stroll to your current home or nourishment. You connect with all of those who share your space. Everyone is accepted on the road and appreciated along the way. It is so amazing when a community is brought together and so powerful to be apart of such a blissful movement.

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Lance Armstrong has participated the last six years in RAGBRAI and makes it a point to really get to know the towns and people who make his route. He is able to further his love for cycling and passion of the sport with a different back-drop and crowd. After his incident in 2005, Iowa was his first cycling event since confessing and being called a “cheater.” Iowa has always been supportive of him and accepted him to still be apart of their tour.

He enjoys returning to RAGBRAI and spoke on Iowa and the participants, “I’ve been here before, and I know what the people of the state are like, and I know what the riders of RAGBRAI are like,” he said. “I didn’t expect a wave of hostility.” He then described RAGBRAI to the Des Moines Register as Woodstock meeting the Tour de France meeting something else.

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We are all the driving force and riding influence on this journey of life. We all carry our own baggage and struggles along the way. It is up to us to discover the path ahead of us, understand the pavements given and value the pit stops which make our self-trip all worth it.

Everyone has their own chosen joy ride, Everyone asks for guidance on their trip and Everyone needs headlights in the dark.

NAMASTE.

 

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The WHO

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The rule breakers wanting a challenge.

The wild in need of an adventure.

The explorers in search of an environment.

The wanderers approaching an escape.

The controlled in a mission to find an outlet.

The curious seeking a new experiment.

The lonely souls destined for a fresh start.

The lost trying to blend in and belong.

The fearless who followed their gut.

 

 

 

Who are you to judge these people? Who are you to question their interests or behaviors? Who are you to stereotype appearances and actions? Who are you to speak on their circumstance or situation?

Well, you’re one of them, once were or developing to be. We are all so similar yet different, We are a community and we are all connected. The most beautiful thing about those listed above, is they follow their gut without a care in the world. They are so much themselves it intimidates those in their surrounding. We choose to judge them because we envy their carelessness in wanting to fit in and their lack in needing approval.

Why are they judged for taking a chance, thinking on their own and discovering something new. Who is to say self exploration and self experiments are for those who are crazy or lost?  Who defines the guide lines and decides the wrong doings? Can you judge or speak on something with no trial or true word on the subject? Who decides for themselves?

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Those who took a chance on an experience to risk yourself and judgements.  You dip your toe in the dark water, step into unfamiliar grounds, follow your pleasures and dive into the unknown. There is something so refreshing of not knowing how something is going to work out or affect you. It is a scary but beautiful thing, giving your all to an experience which you have no control over… Isn’t that what discovery and our journey is all about?

Going in blind, senseless, numb, broken, strong, weak or fearless eases the strain through new dimensions. You travel through the built up walls, break past your ego and taste temptation for all its worth. Being destroyed leads to re-creation. Being lost inside leads to a new lifeline, journey or world. We shed ourselves of the history, layer, images and build up. We strip down the stereotypes, ideals, opinions and criticism of others to be ourselves so outwardly and purely, to where no outside existence can break us or stop us from what we are desired to be.

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” The Grand Canyon is the perfect example of beauty of erosion. Over thousand of years that amazing formation of rock devolved in to what it is today- a fabulous spectacle of nature’s artwork. You too are a work of erosion. While we sometimes think of erosion as a bad thing because it is the wearing away of something, there is beauty in it too. And ultimately, if we evolve as a devolve, we become beautiful works of art as well..”

A fresh spark to amp our current state. Why label those you don’t understand, that would make you ignorant. We are reinventing, recycling, renewing, revitalizing, recreating and rejuvenating our own world, on the inside, outside or where ever you belong.

We are in charge of our light, purpose, role, health and strength. We need to be the best form of ourselves, following our soul purpose and spirited path so others will radiate with us on the way.  Building together with others, shaping ourselves, directing paths, sharing positivity and becoming a community. Find yourself to find the world, find the beauty in yourself to find the beauty in others, embrace your energy and the energy of others. Life is reactive and reflective. You construct your outer world with supportive humans. You command your inner being and control your mindset.

Be you. Be beautiful. Be vibrant. Be blessed.

Be the Love.

NAMASTE

Believe in Hope and Achieve Universal Peace.

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Recent celebrations of faith, rebirth and passover has created an endless feeling of being blessed in my heart. I am so thankful for every day, light and experience in my life-which makes me..me and develops my life.

*One of my favorite times of the year*

The transition of Spring to Summer 

The warming weather has me energetic. Spring’s essence is fluttering my writing bloom. The Sun’s shine is inspiring my inner light.

I have been writing a lot and will  be sharing a piece every week of what “I Believe” and what evokes my mind, body and soul.

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I believe we endure heartbreak and tragedy to grow and become stronger.

I believe I’ve vacationed darkness multiple times, but always traveled to light to guide me through.

I believe I pray, meditate and practice yoga to strengthen my soul.

I believe I have been praying for the right path and for forgiveness.

I believe I am created and inspired for a specific reason.

I believe I am the light, God chooses to move and speak through me in dire times.

I believe we are here to teach, inspire and learn from others as well as ourselves.

I believe I am given signs from a higher power and the universe to better myself and this planet.

I believe I write with meaning, honesty and pureness of the soul.

I believe I have a reason, message and story to tell.

Namaste!

Alive.

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What is it to feel alive? To have such a rush of endorphins to your body or mind that leaves you invigorated? Such an experience which leaves you speechless,  where you can only close your eyes to relive it as your face lights up to the feeling.

Is it the risk of jumping out of a plane and embracing the high fall with the body freedom, Is it the tingles you get from affection of an admired one, is it the passion you put into an interest which rewards you or is it the fear of almost reaching the bright light?

How do we get our highs, inspirations or enlightenments? What makes your sensations? What does it take for you to channel in on your true happiness or drive?

Why are we only challenged for the better when we come across a traumatic event or wrong doing? What actions must we face to redirect our ways on the path of internal and external bliss?

What is it about an outside perspective that sets us straight? What causes us to wake up, shake ourself from our old ways and reshape our vision? The awakening of the mind, body and spirit which evokes us to desire a greater life or self.

I’ve had a lot of instances in my life which reorients me, causes me to step back and analyze not only the situation but my journey. Images and messages of my guardian angel, loss of consciousness led seizure, focuses from the Lord and my out of body experience.  Most people think of these experiences as taboo or unrealistic; I can ensure you they are all REAL and my truth. I brushed off these parts of my life, I was so shocked and knew no one would understand. These experiences are significant not only in the physical sense but emotionally and spiritually.

GUARDIAN ANGEL 

guard′ian an′gel n. 1. an angel believed to protect a particular person, as from danger or error. 2. a person who looks after or is concerned with the welfare of another.

guard′ian an′gel
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1. an angel believed to protect a particular person, as from danger or error.
2. a person who looks after or is concerned with the welfare of another.

 My eighth grade year there were a ton of scares of kidnapping, I would lay awake in my room at night so afraid of being taken and killed. For a while it was the only thing I would think about, the intense fear of being stolen from my life and torturted to my death. One night it got to me so bad that I locked my bedroom door and hid from the world. Normally when I lock my door my parents are able to unlock it from the outside and are able to reach me. I was finally able to fall asleep, I was so tired from my restless mind that I had a deep sleep that night. I remember dreaming and this female centered in my mind and dream, I couldn’t make out her face, it was only her and a beam of bright light. She kept telling me “Kelby wake up”…..”Kelby you need to wake up.” I thought this was so odd, she was so calm and repatitive with her request of me waking up. I eventually gave in and woke to the sheer scream of my mother trying to reach me and  unlock my door. My mother was screaming “KELBY YOU NEED TO GET OUT THERE’S A FIRE!!!” “KELBY UNLOCK YOUR DOOR…KELBY!”

I instantly shot up, shivers and confusion ran through my body. I’m normally not a deep sleeper and have never had a dream like that before. What if I didn’t dream of this, What if I didn’t lock my door, would I have the same dream? Who was this lady? How did she know how to reach me or Why did she reach me? I was silent for the next couple of days thinking of my dream, the accident of the fire and how lucky we were to be safe.

 A year later in the winter time, my mother was driving my two younger siblings and I to school. The roads were a little slick and the snow had built up over the past couple of weeks. We were getting ready to pass the church before the set of lights when another van pulls out infront of us, one of the snow banks had limited her sight so she proceeded the four lane traffic. I remember reaching my hands out and screaming “MOM!” Next thing I know, I’m looking over a crowd of people looking into my passenger window and windshield. One of my sisters friend was starring at me like I was dead, looking at me with tears in his and so concerned.  Who were these people crowding our van? My next image I saw was the same angel, she was infront of the smoke and bright light, once again telling me to wake up. I slowly opened my lids to sight of pole we crashed into, the white smoke filling the van and the relieved crowd. I was so blank, I knew of nothing from when I screamed “MOM” until the moment I woke. I instantly blacked out, during the first T-Bone hit, the spin from the impact, the second T-Bone hit and then the crash into the pole. My mother was trying to talk to me through her cries, she was happy to see me awake but kept apologizing for the crash. I couldn’t talk to her, I was speechless, I had no idea what to think of the current moment. I was drained from the cries, the scared looks and the commotion of the car wreck. I thought nothing of my day, I had no emotion or focus.

The next six months included my mother in the hospital, family and church members in and out of the house, people asking me questions and crying to me. I hated it, I hated the attention, I hated the sadness of the crash and the empahsis of my living through the crash. I reached such a dark stage of resentment, I refused to talk to anyone about my feelings on the accidents and I ignored my mother. Everytime we spoke she would sob to me about how sorry she was, how happy she was I was alive and safe. I hated seeing her like that, I dont deserve that praise, attention or emotions. Why was I so numb after being so alive? Why did I resent everyone who was by my side or who was celebrating me being alive? Why did i block out those who cared and the crash in general? Why was I able to see the crowd from a birds eye view before waking up into my body? Why was I contacted and saved again?

MESSAGES FROM THE LORD

God does speak. One way to live in His presence is to acquire the habit of recognizing His voice when He speaks. If we do not know that God wishes to communicate with us, or the ways He has chosen, then our passage through life will be devoid of the most perfect of guides.

God does speak. One way to live in His presence is to acquire the habit of recognizing His voice when He speaks. If we do not know that God wishes to communicate with us, or the ways He has chosen, then our passage through life will be devoid of the most perfect of guides.

It was the Spring after the crash, I was in my final stage of confirmation course. My group and I had to voyage to a church retreat. I remember sitting cross legged talking about who were are, what we want to do or who we want to be. I couldnt even think of an answer, I just knew I wanted to make a difference and be remembered. I made it my goal after that meeting to be nice to everyone, to smile, to share my embrace and postive mood. I was a lot lighter on my feet, the sun shined brighter, time flew by and I no longer thought of the Saturday as a waste but as an opportunity. At the closing mass, I sat in the middle of the crowd, for some reason I thought the priest was making more eye contact with me. I felt this beam of yellow light touch my shoulders and reach the top of the church, while he was talking about priest hood, those who qualify and are chosen. I thought to myself am I being chosen? Why am I even thinking he’s targeting me? Why do I feel like I only see him and no one else? Why am I so focused, when my peers are distracted or not paying attention. Why do I feel obligated to test it our or lean down a similar path? I felt as if God saw my significance and curious mind. To this day I remember most of my day, which is odd because I cant recall a lot of memories from my traumatic year after the crash.
The other time I felt such an inspiration from mass service was this past November when my family and I went to Notre Dame for a couple games. We were sitting at the game and the Irish tradition is to catch mass after the game, it was a trend to attend the campuses beautiful basilica.  Before the game we visited the church and checked it out. For some reason I was very excited to attend mass, I was constantly watching the clock and thinking of the right time to leave the game. I was very headstrong on making it to mass on time, I insisted on leaving extra early from the game so we can get a good spot. We were one first there and as planned got a very nice spot in the front. Mass started, I kept an eager and straight structure the whole time. The priest started to speak on his volunteer work in foreign countries and how some little girl touched his heart. The scene around him started to blur, I focused in on only him and the surrounding candles. The light around him got brighter and I starred intently at him. I felt as if It was only him and I in the church. Every word registered, every situation was related and recovered as a responsibility.  His passage was of a story of him doing volunteer work with children in another country, how all of these children struggle but still have dreams and faith. No matter the circumstance they still have aspirations, despite the reality. He was determined his place was to help others and inspire. How important it is to help those in need, show them the light and importance of their existence. To give others faith, to share dreams, have dreams and be apart of another’s dream.  His message was implanted in my membrane, the candles warmed up brain to my destiny. 

 

LOSS OF CONSCIOUSNESS 

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“Out of body experiences can also be triggered under clinical conditions where brain function is compromised – such as stroke, epilepsy, head trauma and drug abuse. When this happens it is more often reported as a Near Death Experience (NDE).”

Last year my mental and physical health were not as a stable as I would have liked them to be. I wasn’t myself after some down falls and broken relationships. I lost my motivated as well as drive in most aspects of my life. I was back home for Spring Break, my friends and I decided to go to a party together. I decided to be the designated driver, I smoked prior to the arrival of the party. It was nice to be the responsible one, relax with some old friends and enjoy being sober at a party. I was catching up with some friends and this rush of uneasy took control. I suddenly felt uncomfortable, my body grew weak and light. My vision started blurring, lights brightened and sounds increased in volume. I found myself trapped, wanting to escape not only the party but myself. I distanced myself and started making my way to the back room to regroup and get some clarity. My legs gave out, I had no control as well as full feeling in my body anymore My legs tingled as i fell over on my way down the hallway. My arms couldnt hold up my body and my vision varied in and out. I out ready to sit down and blacked out. A heavy weight on my head took over, I woke up unaware of what had happend and why. I couldnt get myself up, I didnt know how to scream for help. I felt hopeless, trying to talk myself in a simple task of pushing myself back up.
After a couple failed errors of standing with continuing black outs, I made my way to the party. I caught a glimpse of my friends brother, he saw my struggle with standing and strength. He was sure I was the drunkest one at the party, my eyes rolled back once more as i fell down the frame of the door. He ran to my rescue and proceeded to assist me down the hall. Once I reached my friends, I kept saying that we needed to go, I didn’t feel comfortable or safe. I couldnt get much out until I gave them an uneasy look, became pale and blacked out once more. My body collapsed, my head bounced until the momentum slowed. My eyes rolled to the back on my head and I started to seizure in front of my intoxicated friends. I remember getting hovering glimpse of the crowd surronding me before I woke up, I couldn’t make out what they were saying.
There I was again, seeing myself before I woke up. I slowly came back into my body and opened my eyes. Everyone was a blur, I saw their mouths moving but everything was mute. Once I regained sound, I was confused with what they were saying. I could only look, sounds and actions didn’t register just yet. I felt like a new born, fresh to the world and unaware of my surroundings and senses. My friends almost thought they witnessed my death in their very own kitchen. I was disconnected from my life after the seizure, I was unable to concentrate in class, hold a conversation or be present physically and mentally when encountering others. I felt blank, drained and lifeless, I became very quiet and timid to my internal and external life

OUT OF BODY 

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“The idea of astral travel is rooted in common worldwide religious accounts of the afterlife in which the consciousness’ or soul’s journey or “ascent” is described in such terms as “an… out-of body experience, wherein the spiritual traveller leaves the physical body and travels in his/her subtle body (or dreambody or astral body) into ‘higher’ realms.”It is therefore associated with near death experiences and is also frequently reported as spontaneously experienced in association with sleep and dreams, illness, surgical operations, drug experiences, sleep paralysis and forms of meditation.”

After a mediation, my friend and I went back to my place to hang out and finish the night with some Resortative yoga. The Resortative practice, is a sequence of still poses focused on breathing, relaxing the mind and completing the body with wholeness.

I was laying there, body chilling and feeling cold sensations and almost numbing embrace over the top layer of my body. Bursts of a vibrating coldness migrated and filled spaces of my outer skin. I saw my self sitting inside an emerald grey cave, filling with the splashing of water falls, spilling with pain. Feeling a shower of spraying tranquility. My hour glass sat crossed leg. Visioning my self through the falling streams. I balance my self among the ripples, getting a sense of the space. The serenity of sprinkled drops to my face, sends the roaming sensations back to my knees and back of my calves. I feel the strong grip of my lower back to the earth. My curvature in my back side streams through. Sparking to the top of my mouth, only feeling the outline of my slowly moving mouth. The sensation glides to my eyes, creating a Tiffany blue sparks to fill the dark vision scene filling my screen of my eyes. The sensation flows to my neck, tickling my spine. Circulating my blood flow, invigorating my veins. The sensations spurts down my spine, I feel the strengths of the spine to the floor, I feel the support of my arched back. My feet light not the floor, still and holding balance. I saw myself as an outline or a frame embracing the stillness of the therapeutic sounds. Floating with my  body’s breath, waves of breath swimming through my body creating a melody of eased movements. My frame fills with the brights of the sky, whites of the fluffed yet fuzzy clouds.  Soft blues fill the gaps from the clouds, white neons shine in as a breath calms the rays my way. My body pure and light. My spirit floated above, feeling full as a hug. Aware of my surroundings and presence. I take in my breath and let the gush glide down my lungs.

I embrace the air on my skin, feeling peaceful, an image of a vacationed beach lay. I see the waves accompany the currents of my breathing. I imagine a shadowing palm tree, shading my presence, allowing gleams of light to warm my portrait. The smooth sound of waves desperately crashing on shore… I feel full of baby blue hushes, breezes sooth through gushes. My center active and alive. I feel fluid and free, smile from ease, wholesome from clarity. A cleansed citrus view, beams of happiness so true. A clarified renew. I gently open my eyes, I didn’t know if this was a high or a quick fall into a dive. Appreciative of the scene filled disguise. A new way to look at mediation and flow of life.

*This passage was written on my cell phone after the event, with my eyes close. I can only describe or re-live the experience with my eyes shut! Crazy huh?*

I have never experienced such a whirlwind of emotions, visions or sensations in my life. These experiences are so extraordinary because they aren’t really talked about or dealt with. When something so out of the normal happens, we either shrug it off or are in such shock from it. Every person, place, memory, heartache, love or experience is significant in your journey. Everything you see, process, dream or deal with develops you as a person.

I have experienced God’s presence and meaning in a time of question. I have reached death a couple times, been guided back to life from my guardian angel. Lost control of my body in a negative and positive, making me feel more alive. These events lead me to question my role and significance on this Earth. Such lost control of your body and consciousness has you question not only yourself, but your importance, role and intentions for this time and place.

Who am I because of these significant events?
What do these mean and teach me?
When will the next experience happen?
Where will these events lead me in the path of Enlightenment
Why have all have these things happened?
How will I learn and shape myself due to the phenomenas?

Being present with your presence

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What are the aspects that fill your day?
What needs to be accomplished to fulfill your day?

When are the moments for yourself? When are you the happiest?

Where do you put forth all your energy? Where do you bestow your efforts?

Most of our day we feel obligated to attend places which needs our labor to function. We make it a routine to plan our day with events that tend to others. Everyday we wake up with intentions to contribute to society and the cycle of the world.

The rush of the work or school day drains us, leaving us unmotivated for the next task. We get so complacent in our set schedule that we just get by. The time we do have free, we spend multitasking or rushing to the next activity. We appear groggy in our movements and inconvenienced by our time fillers.

We see events or people as a time to past by rather than a moment to live by.

When do we wake up our presence in the present moment?

 

 

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I recently started a 20/30 Yoga challenge. A dedication to take time for myself, re-energize the body, rejuvenate the soul and relax the mind. A time where I re-focus on the present roles of not only the flow of yoga but in my life. You channel in on where your body is, your mind centering on the current stance and where you’re comfortable yet able.

You set a goal at the beginning of your practice, you wander on how you will achieve this goal and how to incorporate it in your every move.
Our yogi communicated how important it is to be fluid in the present moment, giving your full energy in that set time and place. Whether it would be a job, a friend, a class, position or stillness… You are always attentive and showing the receiver your full attention. You no longer worry the stressors of the next minute, hour, day etc, every task simply flows you to where you’re destined to be. You approach every second of awareness the same, collective and creative. Nothing is an obstacle, but an opportunity of your journey.

My love for yoga increases day by day. My mind, body and soul are not only strengthened but stimulated. Everyday is another day for personal growth. Everyday is a learning privilege for not only for myself but the outside world. We are constantly evolving, how you construct and captivate your day shapes you.

I will use my knowledge and experience from this challenge and classes to inspire others and to be inspired by myself. To give my present presence a chance of bettering myself and becoming wholistic.

I will share my inspirations and my serenities in my journey. I will provide my stories on overcoming obstacles and input on blessing encounters.

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I think it’s important to take time in your day to meditate and exercise the mind and body, appreciate yourself and life’s gifts or observe nature and your environment. Setting aside time in your day to calm your mind and free yourself of the commotion of everyday life.

 

 

 

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20140205-010100.jpgI read Dalai Lamas daily advice and 7 steps to Spiritual Wellness to guide me and further my concentration. I use an App on my phone which constantly updates me with meditative quotes to ease me through the flow of my day. I think it’s important to surround yourself with reminders of enlightening and relieving wisdom.

 

 

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I always set a time in my day to free my tensions and stresses through yoga. I take time to surrender to the moment and the moments that make me. Whether in the morning to re-awaken, during the day to re-energize by or at night to readjust…I come to mindset to recenter myself for my energy given in a day. I light candles and incense, dim the lights, put on relaxing music or a video that moves me. I close my eyes to allow myself limitless expression from within.

 

 

 

The results are always the same… Invigorating and clearing. I become present in what fills and fulfills my presence. I become connected to my inner and outer being. I become aware to my everyday intentions and attentions. I’m a happier person, more outgoing to my approaches and bubbly to my interactions. Nothing can break my ease or positive energy. I see every situation as a lesson, an outcome of either strength or growth. You create your own journey, day, energy, attitude and aurora. Become the best for present time and self presence.
Namaste ✌️

The weight on your shoulder

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eafbfc3c3119a0f23d5608df2115719a    Last year around this time, my life slowly started to dwindle and gradually get out of my grasp. Aspects varying from my health, sanity, school,friendships, love life, and even at home life. I was so fixated in having the perfect life, doing all the right things because I thought I had to. I put my energy into this lifestyle I thought rewarded me back. Giving my gratitude and space to those who I thought had my best interest. I was emotionally drained, I distrubted my all into this ideal life that didn’t seem to complete me in return. What was that missing link?

The only time I had to myself was when I was worked out after classes. I would transfer the build up into efforts towards the machines. Another time of freedom I had would be smoking, by relaxing and letting my mind release. I would use this time to be at ease, free my spirit and let my words flow on paper.  I couldn’t go a day without doing either of these activities. I would play my music and finally get a chance to clear my mind and focus on what has been happening. The two things I would put effort in to for myself, rewarded me. I was losing weight, clearing my mind and looking better. I found a freedom in writing again not only for my enjoyment but for my sanity. No one could take this set time from me, people in my life tried to make me feel guilty for not devoting this time to them and it worked.

I would never let anyone see struggle, see me weak or in pain. A front always put up to display a happy person within her perfect life. How can anyone know they are hurting you if you don’t let them know, how can anyone help if you don’t let them in?

    I would roll my eyes at all the countless people who would complain about their problems. They would ramble on about their self diagnosis of depression, like it was the flu. I thought to myself how embarrassing, they are highlighting all the wrongs in their life and trying to get attention through empathy. I never knew expressed the dilemmas in my life, I didn’t want to be perceived as weak or even judged. I never knew what it was like to be in a dark hole, a state of emptiness. A place with no passion or drive, you lose your reasons to be alive.
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    When all your reasons for living your day or your life slips away from you, what do you have? When your future crumbles with the towers of your loved ones, what do you have?
At the end of the day, your happiness and fortune relies on yourself.
Who wants to love someone who doesn’t love themselves? I was living to be everyones missing piece, their perfect person to make their life whole and complete.
I would imagine this perfect role and portray feelings of being alive and in love. I was sending off the wrong signals, who would be there to pick me up when I was at my low?
         I was living my life depressed and didn’t know it until I got out of the slump. My smile lessened, my glow faded, my expressions weak, my thoughts abandoned and my passion for life drained.  I was lost, I had no idea who I even was. I was absent in my own story, emotionless and wandering through. I continue to fall in the deepening whole created by my own actions and thoughts.
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              I turned to the two influential men in my life, my dad and God. The two with all the answers, all the strength, all the wisdom and love to cure all.  I knew they wouldn’t judge me, wouldn’t scowl me only guide.  I have never opened up to my father nor have I let him see my vulnerable, so this felt like confession and I was ready to pour it all out. This would be the hardest thing to do in my life, sharing all my errors and faults, when I made him think I was doing just fine. I was always trying to save people, change them when they needed me and control this perfect story line. I was so fixated in creating the perfect world and caught up in a unrealistic image that controlled me. Exhausted, I sat broken with my pieces out on the table, looking for answers and ready to listen.
           He gave me the best advice, You have to be the best for yourself and the best things will attract to you. Focus on yourself, know yourself so you can know what you want or who you want to be. You cant change and fix everyone, they have to want to change for themselves. He never outlined my wrongs, he just told me why they were negatively impacting me and how I could benefit from them. He told me to be selfish, to do what I want, what makes me happy and what I feel in my gut. ” Insanity, is to continue to do the same thing and expect different results.” He told me to swallow my pride, take a loss and grow from it. If something is meant to be in your life, it will come back when not only you are ready but when its supposed to. Turn to God, find your strength, find your reason, find your love and find yourself.
Being Irish and German, I find myself to be a little stubborn and headstrong. It is extremely hard for me to take advice or criticism well. Like I said, I’ve been stuck in this perfect image…but I needed out. I took the advice to heart, ran with it in every part of my life. It has changed me for the better and I am so appreciative for my dark hole.
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      The two most influential moments in my life have been led by and dealt with my father and God. The first was losing my self in a perfect world I constructed in my mind and by my force. I became vulnerable,  and turned to my father for advice and strength. He guided me back to God, to find hope and appreciation for my life through faith.

The second moment was a  weekend in November, my family and I  went to the Notre Dame Basilica, the priest message channeled me. I focused in on only him and the lit candles around his face. Shivers ran down, centered my spine, straightened my structure and concentrated my eyes.  Every distraction blurred, the priest spoke with an angelic head light and God words of wisdoms registered.

His passage was of a story of him doing volunteer work with children in another country, how all of these children struggle but still have dreams and faith. No matter the circumstance they still have aspirations, despite the reality. He was determined his place was to help others and inspire. His message was implanted in my membrane, the candles warmed up brain to my destiny.

I am motivated to close the gap between others reality and aspirations. I hope to inspire people by my writing, my mishaps or even my strengths. I hope to encourage those who are going down similar paths, I hope to better someones day or even life by my embrace and presence.

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    Every crossroad leads us to the next chosen path, a time to pause and analyze where you stand and where you should be going. A time where you reevaluate what aspects have brought you that point . Reminisce on the decisions or errors which caused the path. You start to approach situations, experiences and people as a lesson or opportunity. Now every obstacle is a checking point or even a collection point, only gains, no loses. You realize your strengths and weaknesses, outline your morals and values. You get an understanding of your self spiritually, emotionally and physically on your chosen journey. You’re aware of your soul, reasons and difference. You proceed with inner direction and pursue those who radiate with your energy. Anew, a  replenished spirit, wholesome and at ease with life’s flow.

God takes us through troubled waters not to drown us but to cleanse us.

I have found my goal in life is inspire the curious, reach out to those in question, pin point passions, direct those who are lost, stimulate minds by my speaking, move feelings through my writing, understand and empathize with others. Encourage wellness opportunities-healthiness, wholeness, finesse, richness or liveliness of ones self worth.

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Today is my father’s birthday, The BIG 5-0! A trademark in time and a new journey. I dedicate this blog  to him and for all that he has done for me. I hope he is as half as touched by this as I am for all that he has done for me. He has forever changed my outlook  and my outcome.

Remember the weight on your shoulders, can always be lifted. No matter how strong you are, you shouldn’t try to handle things on your own-when other people love you and are waiting to help. As soon as the weight is lifted, your limitless, you have your wings and can now fly.