Peace through broken pieces

Standard

“On the way to get away from where you are, you can run so fast that you miss the blessings along the way. By the time you realize that you have missed them, a major portion of your life has taken place without you.”-Iyanla Vanzant

67fca0c0b1c3144249e56b4ba4a5b06d

I have recently been struggling with inner issues dealing with past faults and pain. It’s a burden that overwhelms your spirit when it comes across love and happiness. Being broken is almost a liberating feeling, you have no place to go but up. You are in no rush to get the cracks filled, you let life fill them for you. With being broken comes the past paranoia which brought the hurt, when you come to similar issues, you cant help but convince yourself that the circumstances will be the same.

I met two people when I was broken, both of which became my best friends. I knew there was something special about them and wanted to take more interest in them. We both instantly clicked, one became my female best friend and the other was a male I started to see.  They would give me their attention, share their life, enjoy time with me and were willing to show me how beautiful I was. I couldn’t bring myself to the realization that someone thought so highly of me, someone thought so highly of our relationship. They wanted to be apart of my everyday, my joy, my laughter and my time. I created scenarios in my mind to slowly push them out and to sink in my loneliness. I would rather be alone than risk the potential of becoming hurt and losing these people.

I had a connection to them, I could feel their pain, I could feel their happiness, I could feel their struggles, I could feel their heart and I could feel their soul. Something would come over me when we would engaged in a deep conversations. My spirit shifted to the top layer of my skin, and released my inner knowing and answers to their life. I learned so much about myself through them, I saw myself in them and we were weak and strong together. I couldn’t accept the fact that we were a reflection of one another, that they were just like me, broken, irritated and irrational. I wasn’t there yet to give them love or become the love they needed. I felt as if they were overwhelming me, suffocating me, I became numb and was no longer fully presence.

They were both a big role in my motivation to spiritual wellness and healing. My girl friend and I would go to meditations, practice restorative yoga, have spiritual talks, encouraging talks and would bring each other up. My boy friend would remind me how beautiful and amazing I was, encourage me to take care of my body, to be positive, to challenge my mind, body and soul and encouraged my fitness in yoga.  When complementary energy is taken from your soul, you feel hopeless and lose your sense of self. I am a firm believer in self-healing and discovery but I know it takes a community of soul mates to bring you up along the way.

” And it was during this time that spirit and I became all but strangers. On most days, I lost track of my spiritual practices and my faith. I prayed and I meditated, but I was no longer sure what I believed or how I felt about what I believed. The thing that saved me and my faith alive was when I sat to write, stood before an audience to speak, or coached another person, I could feel the living presence of Spirit in my being.” -Iyanla Vanzant

I tried to escape them, but I couldn’t. They were apart of my everyday life, apart of my outer happiness and internal healing. I grew very ill, uninvolved in outside life and wanted to be left alone. I wasn’t ready to open up to the monster I was, the pain i suffered to get to that point or the sickness in my heart. It was crowding my mind and I needed out. I needed to come clean of the past, come clean of who I was and come clean of the wounds.

I started to pray to God, ask for healing and forgiveness. I needed to make things right with them and find the sanity to set me free. I took some on Saturday to finish up an old book regarding healing. Quotes would jump out at me, phrases would bring shivers and I felt this weight release from me. I went inside to validate and reassure my healing. I did a yoga routine and slowly eased into savasana. I begin to meditate, I heard the answers, I felt the intentions for these two souls and I knew my purpose in my life. My eyes began to shed cold, comforting tears to signify the release of the past and sickness in my heart. I came back outside and wrote my girlfriend a heart-felt letter and reached out to her. It was a lot harder to open up and ask for forgiveness from her rather than my past boyfriend, I finally opened up to him on the monster I was and the monsters I endured. It brought us closer and connected us deeper.

There is a part of us in everyone, there is a sickness or strain in everyone’s heart, no one wants to be evil or without love. Everyone is broken, everyone endures different type of pain, it is up to us to help break past those walls and find their shinning soul. You grow as person when you help someone you love grow, you heal as a person when you are apart of someones healing. Never give up on someone who would never give up on you, it is so much easier to quit and run away. Struggles provide strength, tears shed us of the elements which hold us back and love will always set you free.

NAMASTE.

Advertisements

The weight on your shoulder

Standard

eafbfc3c3119a0f23d5608df2115719a    Last year around this time, my life slowly started to dwindle and gradually get out of my grasp. Aspects varying from my health, sanity, school,friendships, love life, and even at home life. I was so fixated in having the perfect life, doing all the right things because I thought I had to. I put my energy into this lifestyle I thought rewarded me back. Giving my gratitude and space to those who I thought had my best interest. I was emotionally drained, I distrubted my all into this ideal life that didn’t seem to complete me in return. What was that missing link?

The only time I had to myself was when I was worked out after classes. I would transfer the build up into efforts towards the machines. Another time of freedom I had would be smoking, by relaxing and letting my mind release. I would use this time to be at ease, free my spirit and let my words flow on paper.  I couldn’t go a day without doing either of these activities. I would play my music and finally get a chance to clear my mind and focus on what has been happening. The two things I would put effort in to for myself, rewarded me. I was losing weight, clearing my mind and looking better. I found a freedom in writing again not only for my enjoyment but for my sanity. No one could take this set time from me, people in my life tried to make me feel guilty for not devoting this time to them and it worked.

I would never let anyone see struggle, see me weak or in pain. A front always put up to display a happy person within her perfect life. How can anyone know they are hurting you if you don’t let them know, how can anyone help if you don’t let them in?

    I would roll my eyes at all the countless people who would complain about their problems. They would ramble on about their self diagnosis of depression, like it was the flu. I thought to myself how embarrassing, they are highlighting all the wrongs in their life and trying to get attention through empathy. I never knew expressed the dilemmas in my life, I didn’t want to be perceived as weak or even judged. I never knew what it was like to be in a dark hole, a state of emptiness. A place with no passion or drive, you lose your reasons to be alive.
79f38cd4555defeda1eda3c8e63e4159
    When all your reasons for living your day or your life slips away from you, what do you have? When your future crumbles with the towers of your loved ones, what do you have?
At the end of the day, your happiness and fortune relies on yourself.
Who wants to love someone who doesn’t love themselves? I was living to be everyones missing piece, their perfect person to make their life whole and complete.
I would imagine this perfect role and portray feelings of being alive and in love. I was sending off the wrong signals, who would be there to pick me up when I was at my low?
         I was living my life depressed and didn’t know it until I got out of the slump. My smile lessened, my glow faded, my expressions weak, my thoughts abandoned and my passion for life drained.  I was lost, I had no idea who I even was. I was absent in my own story, emotionless and wandering through. I continue to fall in the deepening whole created by my own actions and thoughts.
8d979a2dbf65c7c9ffacbd18b68832d5
              I turned to the two influential men in my life, my dad and God. The two with all the answers, all the strength, all the wisdom and love to cure all.  I knew they wouldn’t judge me, wouldn’t scowl me only guide.  I have never opened up to my father nor have I let him see my vulnerable, so this felt like confession and I was ready to pour it all out. This would be the hardest thing to do in my life, sharing all my errors and faults, when I made him think I was doing just fine. I was always trying to save people, change them when they needed me and control this perfect story line. I was so fixated in creating the perfect world and caught up in a unrealistic image that controlled me. Exhausted, I sat broken with my pieces out on the table, looking for answers and ready to listen.
           He gave me the best advice, You have to be the best for yourself and the best things will attract to you. Focus on yourself, know yourself so you can know what you want or who you want to be. You cant change and fix everyone, they have to want to change for themselves. He never outlined my wrongs, he just told me why they were negatively impacting me and how I could benefit from them. He told me to be selfish, to do what I want, what makes me happy and what I feel in my gut. ” Insanity, is to continue to do the same thing and expect different results.” He told me to swallow my pride, take a loss and grow from it. If something is meant to be in your life, it will come back when not only you are ready but when its supposed to. Turn to God, find your strength, find your reason, find your love and find yourself.
Being Irish and German, I find myself to be a little stubborn and headstrong. It is extremely hard for me to take advice or criticism well. Like I said, I’ve been stuck in this perfect image…but I needed out. I took the advice to heart, ran with it in every part of my life. It has changed me for the better and I am so appreciative for my dark hole.
1385519_10151754611028315_2098436119_n

      The two most influential moments in my life have been led by and dealt with my father and God. The first was losing my self in a perfect world I constructed in my mind and by my force. I became vulnerable,  and turned to my father for advice and strength. He guided me back to God, to find hope and appreciation for my life through faith.

The second moment was a  weekend in November, my family and I  went to the Notre Dame Basilica, the priest message channeled me. I focused in on only him and the lit candles around his face. Shivers ran down, centered my spine, straightened my structure and concentrated my eyes.  Every distraction blurred, the priest spoke with an angelic head light and God words of wisdoms registered.

His passage was of a story of him doing volunteer work with children in another country, how all of these children struggle but still have dreams and faith. No matter the circumstance they still have aspirations, despite the reality. He was determined his place was to help others and inspire. His message was implanted in my membrane, the candles warmed up brain to my destiny.

I am motivated to close the gap between others reality and aspirations. I hope to inspire people by my writing, my mishaps or even my strengths. I hope to encourage those who are going down similar paths, I hope to better someones day or even life by my embrace and presence.

f3eb8d926ff98db931de38e2787efadd

    Every crossroad leads us to the next chosen path, a time to pause and analyze where you stand and where you should be going. A time where you reevaluate what aspects have brought you that point . Reminisce on the decisions or errors which caused the path. You start to approach situations, experiences and people as a lesson or opportunity. Now every obstacle is a checking point or even a collection point, only gains, no loses. You realize your strengths and weaknesses, outline your morals and values. You get an understanding of your self spiritually, emotionally and physically on your chosen journey. You’re aware of your soul, reasons and difference. You proceed with inner direction and pursue those who radiate with your energy. Anew, a  replenished spirit, wholesome and at ease with life’s flow.

God takes us through troubled waters not to drown us but to cleanse us.

I have found my goal in life is inspire the curious, reach out to those in question, pin point passions, direct those who are lost, stimulate minds by my speaking, move feelings through my writing, understand and empathize with others. Encourage wellness opportunities-healthiness, wholeness, finesse, richness or liveliness of ones self worth.

9768_10151705998623315_490988947_n

Today is my father’s birthday, The BIG 5-0! A trademark in time and a new journey. I dedicate this blog  to him and for all that he has done for me. I hope he is as half as touched by this as I am for all that he has done for me. He has forever changed my outlook  and my outcome.

Remember the weight on your shoulders, can always be lifted. No matter how strong you are, you shouldn’t try to handle things on your own-when other people love you and are waiting to help. As soon as the weight is lifted, your limitless, you have your wings and can now fly.