Peace through broken pieces

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“On the way to get away from where you are, you can run so fast that you miss the blessings along the way. By the time you realize that you have missed them, a major portion of your life has taken place without you.”-Iyanla Vanzant

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I have recently been struggling with inner issues dealing with past faults and pain. It’s a burden that overwhelms your spirit when it comes across love and happiness. Being broken is almost a liberating feeling, you have no place to go but up. You are in no rush to get the cracks filled, you let life fill them for you. With being broken comes the past paranoia which brought the hurt, when you come to similar issues, you cant help but convince yourself that the circumstances will be the same.

I met two people when I was broken, both of which became my best friends. I knew there was something special about them and wanted to take more interest in them. We both instantly clicked, one became my female best friend and the other was a male I started to see.  They would give me their attention, share their life, enjoy time with me and were willing to show me how beautiful I was. I couldn’t bring myself to the realization that someone thought so highly of me, someone thought so highly of our relationship. They wanted to be apart of my everyday, my joy, my laughter and my time. I created scenarios in my mind to slowly push them out and to sink in my loneliness. I would rather be alone than risk the potential of becoming hurt and losing these people.

I had a connection to them, I could feel their pain, I could feel their happiness, I could feel their struggles, I could feel their heart and I could feel their soul. Something would come over me when we would engaged in a deep conversations. My spirit shifted to the top layer of my skin, and released my inner knowing and answers to their life. I learned so much about myself through them, I saw myself in them and we were weak and strong together. I couldn’t accept the fact that we were a reflection of one another, that they were just like me, broken, irritated and irrational. I wasn’t there yet to give them love or become the love they needed. I felt as if they were overwhelming me, suffocating me, I became numb and was no longer fully presence.

They were both a big role in my motivation to spiritual wellness and healing. My girl friend and I would go to meditations, practice restorative yoga, have spiritual talks, encouraging talks and would bring each other up. My boy friend would remind me how beautiful and amazing I was, encourage me to take care of my body, to be positive, to challenge my mind, body and soul and encouraged my fitness in yoga.  When complementary energy is taken from your soul, you feel hopeless and lose your sense of self. I am a firm believer in self-healing and discovery but I know it takes a community of soul mates to bring you up along the way.

” And it was during this time that spirit and I became all but strangers. On most days, I lost track of my spiritual practices and my faith. I prayed and I meditated, but I was no longer sure what I believed or how I felt about what I believed. The thing that saved me and my faith alive was when I sat to write, stood before an audience to speak, or coached another person, I could feel the living presence of Spirit in my being.” -Iyanla Vanzant

I tried to escape them, but I couldn’t. They were apart of my everyday life, apart of my outer happiness and internal healing. I grew very ill, uninvolved in outside life and wanted to be left alone. I wasn’t ready to open up to the monster I was, the pain i suffered to get to that point or the sickness in my heart. It was crowding my mind and I needed out. I needed to come clean of the past, come clean of who I was and come clean of the wounds.

I started to pray to God, ask for healing and forgiveness. I needed to make things right with them and find the sanity to set me free. I took some on Saturday to finish up an old book regarding healing. Quotes would jump out at me, phrases would bring shivers and I felt this weight release from me. I went inside to validate and reassure my healing. I did a yoga routine and slowly eased into savasana. I begin to meditate, I heard the answers, I felt the intentions for these two souls and I knew my purpose in my life. My eyes began to shed cold, comforting tears to signify the release of the past and sickness in my heart. I came back outside and wrote my girlfriend a heart-felt letter and reached out to her. It was a lot harder to open up and ask for forgiveness from her rather than my past boyfriend, I finally opened up to him on the monster I was and the monsters I endured. It brought us closer and connected us deeper.

There is a part of us in everyone, there is a sickness or strain in everyone’s heart, no one wants to be evil or without love. Everyone is broken, everyone endures different type of pain, it is up to us to help break past those walls and find their shinning soul. You grow as person when you help someone you love grow, you heal as a person when you are apart of someones healing. Never give up on someone who would never give up on you, it is so much easier to quit and run away. Struggles provide strength, tears shed us of the elements which hold us back and love will always set you free.

NAMASTE.

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