Alive.

What is it to feel alive? To have such a rush of endorphins to your body or mind that leaves you invigorated? Such an experience which leaves you speechless,  where you can only close your eyes to relive it as your face lights up to the feeling.

Is it the risk of jumping out of a plane and embracing the high fall with the body freedom, Is it the tingles you get from affection of an admired one, is it the passion you put into an interest which rewards you or is it the fear of almost reaching the bright light?

How do we get our highs, inspirations or enlightenments? What makes your sensations? What does it take for you to channel in on your true happiness or drive?

Why are we only challenged for the better when we come across a traumatic event or wrong doing? What actions must we face to redirect our ways on the path of internal and external bliss?

What is it about an outside perspective that sets us straight? What causes us to wake up, shake ourself from our old ways and reshape our vision? The awakening of the mind, body and spirit which evokes us to desire a greater life or self.

I’ve had a lot of instances in my life which reorients me, causes me to step back and analyze not only the situation but my journey. Images and messages of my guardian angel, loss of consciousness led seizure, focuses from the Lord and my out of body experience.  Most people think of these experiences as taboo or unrealistic; I can ensure you they are all REAL and my truth. I brushed off these parts of my life, I was so shocked and knew no one would understand. These experiences are significant not only in the physical sense but emotionally and spiritually.

GUARDIAN ANGEL 

guard′ian an′gel
n.
1. an angel believed to protect a particular person, as from danger or error.
2. a person who looks after or is concerned with the welfare of another.

 My eighth grade year there were a ton of scares of kidnapping, I would lay awake in my room at night so afraid of being taken and killed. For a while it was the only thing I would think about, the intense fear of being stolen from my life and torturted to my death. One night it got to me so bad that I locked my bedroom door and hid from the world. Normally when I lock my door my parents are able to unlock it from the outside and are able to reach me. I was finally able to fall asleep, I was so tired from my restless mind that I had a deep sleep that night. I remember dreaming and this female centered in my mind and dream, I couldn’t make out her face, it was only her and a beam of bright light. She kept telling me “Kelby wake up”…..”Kelby you need to wake up.” I thought this was so odd, she was so calm and repatitive with her request of me waking up. I eventually gave in and woke to the sheer scream of my mother trying to reach me and  unlock my door. My mother was screaming “KELBY YOU NEED TO GET OUT THERE’S A FIRE!!!” “KELBY UNLOCK YOUR DOOR…KELBY!”

I instantly shot up, shivers and confusion ran through my body. I’m normally not a deep sleeper and have never had a dream like that before. What if I didn’t dream of this, What if I didn’t lock my door, would I have the same dream? Who was this lady? How did she know how to reach me or Why did she reach me? I was silent for the next couple of days thinking of my dream, the accident of the fire and how lucky we were to be safe.

 A year later in the winter time, my mother was driving my two younger siblings and I to school. The roads were a little slick and the snow had built up over the past couple of weeks. We were getting ready to pass the church before the set of lights when another van pulls out infront of us, one of the snow banks had limited her sight so she proceeded the four lane traffic. I remember reaching my hands out and screaming “MOM!” Next thing I know, I’m looking over a crowd of people looking into my passenger window and windshield. One of my sisters friend was starring at me like I was dead, looking at me with tears in his and so concerned.  Who were these people crowding our van? My next image I saw was the same angel, she was infront of the smoke and bright light, once again telling me to wake up. I slowly opened my lids to sight of pole we crashed into, the white smoke filling the van and the relieved crowd. I was so blank, I knew of nothing from when I screamed “MOM” until the moment I woke. I instantly blacked out, during the first T-Bone hit, the spin from the impact, the second T-Bone hit and then the crash into the pole. My mother was trying to talk to me through her cries, she was happy to see me awake but kept apologizing for the crash. I couldn’t talk to her, I was speechless, I had no idea what to think of the current moment. I was drained from the cries, the scared looks and the commotion of the car wreck. I thought nothing of my day, I had no emotion or focus.

The next six months included my mother in the hospital, family and church members in and out of the house, people asking me questions and crying to me. I hated it, I hated the attention, I hated the sadness of the crash and the empahsis of my living through the crash. I reached such a dark stage of resentment, I refused to talk to anyone about my feelings on the accidents and I ignored my mother. Everytime we spoke she would sob to me about how sorry she was, how happy she was I was alive and safe. I hated seeing her like that, I dont deserve that praise, attention or emotions. Why was I so numb after being so alive? Why did I resent everyone who was by my side or who was celebrating me being alive? Why did i block out those who cared and the crash in general? Why was I able to see the crowd from a birds eye view before waking up into my body? Why was I contacted and saved again?

MESSAGES FROM THE LORD

God does speak. One way to live in His presence is to acquire the habit of recognizing His voice when He speaks. If we do not know that God wishes to communicate with us, or the ways He has chosen, then our passage through life will be devoid of the most perfect of guides.

It was the Spring after the crash, I was in my final stage of confirmation course. My group and I had to voyage to a church retreat. I remember sitting cross legged talking about who were are, what we want to do or who we want to be. I couldnt even think of an answer, I just knew I wanted to make a difference and be remembered. I made it my goal after that meeting to be nice to everyone, to smile, to share my embrace and postive mood. I was a lot lighter on my feet, the sun shined brighter, time flew by and I no longer thought of the Saturday as a waste but as an opportunity. At the closing mass, I sat in the middle of the crowd, for some reason I thought the priest was making more eye contact with me. I felt this beam of yellow light touch my shoulders and reach the top of the church, while he was talking about priest hood, those who qualify and are chosen. I thought to myself am I being chosen? Why am I even thinking he’s targeting me? Why do I feel like I only see him and no one else? Why am I so focused, when my peers are distracted or not paying attention. Why do I feel obligated to test it our or lean down a similar path? I felt as if God saw my significance and curious mind. To this day I remember most of my day, which is odd because I cant recall a lot of memories from my traumatic year after the crash.

The other time I felt such an inspiration from mass service was this past November when my family and I went to Notre Dame for a couple games. We were sitting at the game and the Irish tradition is to catch mass after the game, it was a trend to attend the campuses beautiful basilica.  Before the game we visited the church and checked it out. For some reason I was very excited to attend mass, I was constantly watching the clock and thinking of the right time to leave the game. I was very headstrong on making it to mass on time, I insisted on leaving extra early from the game so we can get a good spot. We were one first there and as planned got a very nice spot in the front. Mass started, I kept an eager and straight structure the whole time. The priest started to speak on his volunteer work in foreign countries and how some little girl touched his heart. The scene around him started to blur, I focused in on only him and the surrounding candles. The light around him got brighter and I starred intently at him. I felt as if It was only him and I in the church. Every word registered, every situation was related and recovered as a responsibility.  His passage was of a story of him doing volunteer work with children in another country, how all of these children struggle but still have dreams and faith. No matter the circumstance they still have aspirations, despite the reality. He was determined his place was to help others and inspire. How important it is to help those in need, show them the light and importance of their existence. To give others faith, to share dreams, have dreams and be apart of another’s dream.  His message was implanted in my membrane, the candles warmed up brain to my destiny. 

 

LOSS OF CONSCIOUSNESS 

“Out of body experiences can also be triggered under clinical conditions where brain function is compromised – such as stroke, epilepsy, head trauma and drug abuse. When this happens it is more often reported as a Near Death Experience (NDE).”

Last year my mental and physical health were not as a stable as I would have liked them to be. I wasn’t myself after some down falls and broken relationships. I lost my motivated as well as drive in most aspects of my life. I was back home for Spring Break, my friends and I decided to go to a party together. I decided to be the designated driver, I smoked prior to the arrival of the party. It was nice to be the responsible one, relax with some old friends and enjoy being sober at a party. I was catching up with some friends and this rush of uneasy took control. I suddenly felt uncomfortable, my body grew weak and light. My vision started blurring, lights brightened and sounds increased in volume. I found myself trapped, wanting to escape not only the party but myself. I distanced myself and started making my way to the back room to regroup and get some clarity. My legs gave out, I had no control as well as full feeling in my body anymore My legs tingled as i fell over on my way down the hallway. My arms couldnt hold up my body and my vision varied in and out. I out ready to sit down and blacked out. A heavy weight on my head took over, I woke up unaware of what had happend and why. I couldnt get myself up, I didnt know how to scream for help. I felt hopeless, trying to talk myself in a simple task of pushing myself back up.

After a couple failed errors of standing with continuing black outs, I made my way to the party. I caught a glimpse of my friends brother, he saw my struggle with standing and strength. He was sure I was the drunkest one at the party, my eyes rolled back once more as i fell down the frame of the door. He ran to my rescue and proceeded to assist me down the hall. Once I reached my friends, I kept saying that we needed to go, I didn’t feel comfortable or safe. I couldnt get much out until I gave them an uneasy look, became pale and blacked out once more. My body collapsed, my head bounced until the momentum slowed. My eyes rolled to the back on my head and I started to seizure in front of my intoxicated friends. I remember getting hovering glimpse of the crowd surronding me before I woke up, I couldn’t make out what they were saying.

There I was again, seeing myself before I woke up. I slowly came back into my body and opened my eyes. Everyone was a blur, I saw their mouths moving but everything was mute. Once I regained sound, I was confused with what they were saying. I could only look, sounds and actions didn’t register just yet. I felt like a new born, fresh to the world and unaware of my surroundings and senses. My friends almost thought they witnessed my death in their very own kitchen. I was disconnected from my life after the seizure, I was unable to concentrate in class, hold a conversation or be present physically and mentally when encountering others. I felt blank, drained and lifeless, I became very quiet and timid to my internal and external life

OUT OF BODY 

“The idea of astral travel is rooted in common worldwide religious accounts of the afterlife in which the consciousness’ or soul’s journey or “ascent” is described in such terms as “an… out-of body experience, wherein the spiritual traveller leaves the physical body and travels in his/her subtle body (or dreambody or astral body) into ‘higher’ realms.”It is therefore associated with near death experiences and is also frequently reported as spontaneously experienced in association with sleep and dreams, illness, surgical operations, drug experiences, sleep paralysis and forms of meditation.”

After a mediation, my friend and I went back to my place to hang out and finish the night with some Resortative yoga. The Resortative practice, is a sequence of still poses focused on breathing, relaxing the mind and completing the body with wholeness.

I was laying there, body chilling and feeling cold sensations and almost numbing embrace over the top layer of my body. Bursts of a vibrating coldness migrated and filled spaces of my outer skin. I saw my self sitting inside an emerald grey cave, filling with the splashing of water falls, spilling with pain. Feeling a shower of spraying tranquility. My hour glass sat crossed leg. Visioning my self through the falling streams. I balance my self among the ripples, getting a sense of the space. The serenity of sprinkled drops to my face, sends the roaming sensations back to my knees and back of my calves. I feel the strong grip of my lower back to the earth. My curvature in my back side streams through. Sparking to the top of my mouth, only feeling the outline of my slowly moving mouth. The sensation glides to my eyes, creating a Tiffany blue sparks to fill the dark vision scene filling my screen of my eyes. The sensation flows to my neck, tickling my spine. Circulating my blood flow, invigorating my veins. The sensations spurts down my spine, I feel the strengths of the spine to the floor, I feel the support of my arched back. My feet light not the floor, still and holding balance. I saw myself as an outline or a frame embracing the stillness of the therapeutic sounds. Floating with my  body’s breath, waves of breath swimming through my body creating a melody of eased movements. My frame fills with the brights of the sky, whites of the fluffed yet fuzzy clouds.  Soft blues fill the gaps from the clouds, white neons shine in as a breath calms the rays my way. My body pure and light. My spirit floated above, feeling full as a hug. Aware of my surroundings and presence. I take in my breath and let the gush glide down my lungs.

I embrace the air on my skin, feeling peaceful, an image of a vacationed beach lay. I see the waves accompany the currents of my breathing. I imagine a shadowing palm tree, shading my presence, allowing gleams of light to warm my portrait. The smooth sound of waves desperately crashing on shore… I feel full of baby blue hushes, breezes sooth through gushes. My center active and alive. I feel fluid and free, smile from ease, wholesome from clarity. A cleansed citrus view, beams of happiness so true. A clarified renew. I gently open my eyes, I didn’t know if this was a high or a quick fall into a dive. Appreciative of the scene filled disguise. A new way to look at mediation and flow of life.

*This passage was written on my cell phone after the event, with my eyes close. I can only describe or re-live the experience with my eyes shut! Crazy huh?*

I have never experienced such a whirlwind of emotions, visions or sensations in my life. These experiences are so extraordinary because they aren’t really talked about or dealt with. When something so out of the normal happens, we either shrug it off or are in such shock from it. Every person, place, memory, heartache, love or experience is significant in your journey. Everything you see, process, dream or deal with develops you as a person.

I have experienced God’s presence and meaning in a time of question. I have reached death a couple times, been guided back to life from my guardian angel. Lost control of my body in a negative and positive, making me feel more alive. These events lead me to question my role and significance on this Earth. Such lost control of your body and consciousness has you question not only yourself, but your importance, role and intentions for this time and place.

Who am I because of these significant events?

What do these mean and teach me?

When will the next experience happen?

Where will these events lead me in the path of Enlightenment

Why have all have these things happened?

How will I learn and shape myself due to the phenomenas?