Control

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Why do we become so obsessed with filling our lives with the things we “think” will make us happy . Why do we focus on what we don’t have and why we don’t have it. We try to control and regulate everything coming into and out of our lives. We become in competition with our ideals of perfection.. What happens when we get there?

I’ve been a product of trying to perfect my own happiness. I have always had this perfect image of my life, and how I’m going to get there. I have been in control of everything, I get almost everything I want… I always speak up, ask for what I want and take the initiative when need be. I over analyze everything, try to figure it out and place it into my life accordingly. I take on so many projects or tasks. I set myself up for such high expectations, because I know I can. I’ve taken advantage of every situation in my life.. I become everything my perfection sent me out to be..

Why control your own happiness? Why try to fix what doesn’t need changed. I’ve set myself for failure with forcing the good when it didn’t need to.

I obsess over every little detail, every word and action. I try to analyze everyone else and their intentions.. I recognize their weaknesses and strengths and play off of them. They or the object become my mission, I study them and try to become the best for them. I take on new challenges and try to master them to my own abilities. I become bored easily, who cares about winning all the time.

I need to not get my way. I need others to stand up to me. I need to be told no and enough. I need to be challenged and put in my place.

 

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I became this super Barbie, who breaks hearts, demands her opinion and leaves her mark. I have grown up always curious about who I will become. I knew I was going to be important, well known or special. I was so afraid of not living to my potential and getting forgotten about. I was so afriad of other people judging me or my life and not wanting to be apart of it. I never wanted anyone to see me struggle or even not smile. I have to look 100% all the time, I would be embarrassed if not. I’ve always been so afraid of time and not getting enough. I’ve been so fixated on fixed time, give your all now before before everything leaves you.
I created this idea of people and life on my mind. I would program it into my brain that I clung to it stubbornly. I would push out anything that didn’t feel right or would ruin my ideal perfect.. No remorse, no feeling only questions.

Here I am, 20 years old. Living in a house my dad pays for. Taking the semester off at school, with no money saved from these jobs I’m working. Heartbroken, isolated from the world, smoking in my loneliness.
I’ve surrounded myself with everything i thought would complete me, but I sit here empty and unsatisfied.
I’ve kept things in my life for strength and visit them when I need to. I’ve partnered to hurt and made a fool out of myself. I’ve become who I never wanted to be because I ruined my own perfect. I’ve isolated everyone to be unhappy and to better myself.

Who am I without my life.

You always create your own happiness, take a look around of what makes you happy and sit in your own happiness. Realize you’re enough, this life is enough. Be who you want to be without worrying others, if they want the best for you they will understand.
Cherish all the little things that fills you with joy, appreciate the moments and never force anything. God has a plan for everyone, trust your journey and heart.

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